So here I am on this fine Wednesday cruising the Book, looking for some fun, interesting things, and I see this click bait.
Obviously I click. Here’s what happened.
This guy walked into Pawn Stars thinking he had some super old rock worth around $50,000. He said he had had it tested and had all these papers and it was legit and blah blah blah. The viewers on the Twitters were skeptical. The Pawn Stars peeps were skeptical. So the guy had to pay $200 to have this test conducted to determine the validity of the super old valuable rock. Turns out it’s made of plastic — not this valuable amber stuff — and so he was negative $200 instead of positive $50,000.
That’s it. That’s all that happened.
So, that’s what these people call the “worst possible news”? Are you fucking kidding me?
I’ll tell you worst possible news. Imagine you walk into a pawn shop with your super old rock and instead of you being on TV and losing $200 you’re actually stabbed with a needle, bleeding everywhere, then tested for STDs and you test positive for AIDS. That’s worst possible news.
Or imagine you walk into pawn shop and it’s actually Morpheus holding a blue pill and a red pill; you take the red pill and whammy, you wake up in a giant human harvesting farm run by robots that have you plugged into a fake world that doesn’t really exist but instead of being chosen one Neo you’re just some schmuck that can’t hack it and you get ripped apart by the tentacles of those scary robots that attack the human base in the final Matrix.
Or imagine you walk into pawn shop and your rock is actually worth a billion dollars. The pawn shop owners realize this, shoot you in both your knee caps, steal your rock, sell it for a billion and retire to a puerto rican island with infinity hot chicks, pina coladas, grilled cheese sandwiches and those Ruffles cheddar and sour cream chips while you’re rehabbing, trying to learn how to walk again, alternating passes with a 90-year-old grandma who can’t remember what continent she’s from. That’s worst possible news.
Oh boo hoo, you lost $200 on a reality show. Worst possible news? Give me a fucking break. If you listed every possible scenario from when you walk into a pawn shop, losing $200 on reality TV would be like 700 billionth worst possible scenario. Not even close.