New Study Finds That Everyone That Has Ever Attended A Graduation Ceremony Hates Graduation Ceremonies

CHICAGO — The Chicago Institute for Ceremonial Studies published today the findings from a study in which they interviewed 500 people of varying gender, age, race and socioeconomic status that have, at some point in their lives, attended a graduation ceremony.

In the findings, the CICS concludes, “It appears no one that has ever attended a graduation ceremony, in the history of the world, has ever enjoyed it.”

The report went on to quote several subjects who have attended graduation ceremonies.

“The thought of being surrounded by thousands of sweaty people sitting hip-to-hip, dressed like it’s Sunday mass, waving makeshift fans to stave off heat flashes still makes me want to puke,” said Jennifer, a white 20-something with recently graduated siblings. “It’s disgusting.”

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Kenny, whose only daughter graduated last spring, couldn’t stand the duration of it. “Man you gotta sit there and watch hundreds of people walk in a damn line… hundreds of people you never heard of, you never wanted to hear of, you never gonna hear of again,” he complained. “Then my girl walks up, takes her 30 seconds, I take a million pics from a mile away and then boom, her whole damn thing is over. Back to nobodies marching around the joint.”

“I woulda got up and left, but I ain’t no jackass,” he added.

The CICS noted that elderly people tended to be less abrasive towards graduation ceremonies, but still felt the same overall.

Rose, 78, who attended her 6th grandchild’s graduation last weekend, tried to say she enjoyed it.

“It was really nice.. a beautiful ceremony,” she first responded. However, when told she could only choose one of two options, loved it or hated it, she turned her head, looked down to the grass and quietly muttered, “Hated it.”

A quick twitter research by SAMMY RIGGS found that, even as far back as 2013, people were voicing their disdain for graduation ceremonies.

The CICS also noted that, while everyone in general hates graduation ceremonies, the actual graduates hate them the most. The study cited severe dehydration due to recent overconsumption of alcohol and a fear that binge-drinking 7 nights a week may no longer be sustainable as the most likely reasons.


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